Jon Pyle

There is a common misconception that all attempts to control are totally obvious and completely selfish. Or perhaps reserved for a certain personality type. If I were to describe someone as controlling, you would probably think of an abusive partner or an obsessive, compulsive boss. In reality, a controlling person looks a lot like the person staring back at us in the mirror; you and I. Not only is control a universal spiritual issue, nearly all of our methods are well-intentioned and downright stealth. So concealed are the realities of these coping mechanisms that we don’t even know we’re doing them ourselves.

In my observation, people-pleasing is among the most common secretive methods of control. Perhaps I say that because I know it extremely well. This is one my gods, an idol I have served. Trying to meet other people’s needs or bring them joy is certainly a worthy pursuit, but it can quickly and easily evolve into something much more damaging. People-pleasing becomes a god when we believe that we must make an individual or group of people happy for our life to be good. Sadly, no matter how focused we are or how great we become, we can never truly make anyone else’s life good. And this idol will ruin the good life God desires for us because what we think we can control (others’ happiness), comes to control us.

Ultimately, like all gods/idols, people-pleasing is about control. It creates a simple and impossible formula: If I do X, I will make Y happy and then life will be good. This equation will never work. Trust me, I know. The good news is that God has a much simpler equation for the good life. Stop trying to control your life, Trust Him and He will make reality a life that only God could provide.

For the three weeks of our current series at CityChurch, Unpacking the GoodLife, I’m going to use Facebook as a platform to communicate some additional insights about the message we heard on Sunday. If this is valuable, please like, comment, share and give me feedback. If folks find this useful, I’ll continue to post this “bonus” material on Mondays. I sincerely hope it will help you on your spiritual journey, wherever you may be.

It seems like there just aren’t enough hours in the day to do what needs to be done. I’m always pressing to be productive but I never really feel like I accomplish anything. Many days, life feels like an ongoing to-do list that grows faster than I can check something off. I rarely, if ever, feel rested. This weekend, John Witte taught us that only God can provide the kind of rest that truly rejuvenates. And that “our grip”, our attempts to control our own life and create the GoodLife for ourselves, is the reason we don’t trust God and begin experiencing the life He creates and desires for us.

So what does that mean for me? How must I change the way I live to align with God’s design? How can I find the rest that defines the GoodLife?

The answer slapped me hard in the face this morning: expectations. I came to realize that my expectations are a subtle way for me to maintain control of my life and ultimately be deprived of the rest God intends. When you really take a step back, expectations are often the biggest factor in determining how we view our quality of life. Think about it this way: If you open your wallet expecting nothing and find $1, you’re pleasantly surprised. If you open your wallet expecting $5 and find $1, you’re disappointed. The reality is, in both scenarios you have the same amount of money in your wallet. The facts don’t change, but your expectations adjust your reaction and feelings about reality.

We are so consumed by our own expectations that we miss what God intends for our lives. They become our idols, dragging them around from day to day, job to job, relationship to relationship and never finding rest. It doesn’t mean that all expectations are bad, but as flawed people, it’s only natural to assume our expectations would be equally as flawed as we are.

If you’re like me and want to change this cycle, instead of focusing on your own expectations, focus on what God wants you to do next. We call that doing The Next Right Thing. Don’t ask “what do I NEED to do today?” Ask “what does God ask me to do?” as you pray and read the Bible. His expectations are often challenging, but Jesus says His “yoke is easy, and (His) burden light” because it’s the only way to find true rest. (Matthew 11:28-30)

There was a little shih tzu that wandered our neighborhood and regularly pooped in my front yard. He/She was clearly well fed and flawlessly maintained, so the dog is definitely not a stray. It seems that somebody allowed their dog to roam the neighborhood, pooping wherever it saw fit.

I was very angry about this. Truthfully, it seemed like a small but annoying injustice. Who lets their own dog poop in a neighbor’s yard and doesn’t clean it up? My initial plan was to catch the dog in the act, trap it, figure out who owned it, give them an earful about responsible pet ownership and then make THEM clean up the growing poop garden in my front yard. It only seemed fair.

Eventually I abandoned this plan, at least partially because I work for a church but mostly because it didn’t seem like the “right” thing to do. However, that didn’t resolve the conflict. The anger I felt didn’t go anywhere. It was shoved down to the deep, dark place I try to hide the emotions, pain, fears and disappointment I don’t want or know how to deal with. That’s called repression. So imagine my bitterness weeks later when I went to work on the lawn and the original set of poop had multiplied. Apparently ignoring it didn’t make the problem go away either.

Then, as I stewed in my anger, it hit me. The only people I was punishing by not dealing with the poop was myself and my family. Not just the ever-growing resentment and bitterness is my heart, but my front yard was filled with poop. Sure, it was their pet and their responsibility but my house was the one that stunk. So I cleaned up the poop and in that symbolic act found the path to forgiveness, not just for my neighbors (which was a small issue) but for the other people in my life that had hurt me deeply. By not forgiving I was letting the “poop” pile up, creating resentment and bitterness for me, and affecting those I love the most.

You may not have actual dogs running amok in your neighborhood, but we all have crap in our front yards to clean up. Forgiveness is cleaning up the poop, not because it’s “fair” or your “responsibility”, but because your house is the one that smells. That was the only response that freed me from the burden. I considered revenge, which created more problems than it solved. I tried both resentment and repression and those two responses only made my life worse while not effecting them at all. I came to find that ultimately, forgiveness is not for the person that wronged you, it’s for yourself.

If you are a follower of Christ, there is a higher calling to forgive as well. Since our sins have already been forgiven by God, it is cruel not to forgive the sins of others. (Matthew 18:21-35 offers a great explanation). And the only way that I’ve found to forgive, particularly as it relates to deep wounds, is to actually forgive and pray for the person that has wronged you. It’s not enough to say “God, one day I hope that maybe you’ll help me forgive _________.” You must utter the words “I forgive _________” and pray for them. It sure isn’t easy, but it is worthwhile. Who do you need to forgive today? Where can you start?

BTW, this was meant to be an introduction to the concept of and importance of forgiveness. I know that all cannot be resolved by a blog post. Especially for significant wounds and horrific abuses. A more complete forgiveness resource is this service and message by Pastor Brent at CityChurch. If you need to talk to someone about this, you can contact me or someone else at CityChurch.

Photo credit: http://donnajenkinscanuckdogblog.blogspot.com/

Story has become kind of a buzzword. A hip new term thrown around often, typically without definition. This is particularly true in the Christian community. This concerns me. I sincerely worry that the true impact and power of both the word and the concept are going to be obscured and disregarded as trendy lingo. This CANNOT happen.

Your story is the most valuable means of influence an individual can possess. Your hopes, hurts, experiences, tragedies, successes and failures communicate so much about who you are and what you believe. That is your story; the events of your life as narrated by you. You color the events with thoughts, philosophy, humor and values. I believe people are hard-wired to respond to this over any other method of communication. The reality, for better or worse, is that whoever tells the best story wins. They influence the masses regardless of agenda. And more often than not people driven by self-interest and not the growth of others, tell the best stories. Their desire is to manipulate and control.

As a follower of Christ, your story is the most powerful gospel most people will hear. And everyone has a story. Know your story. Understand your story. Tell it well and tell it often. This personal connection does immeasurably more good than you might imagine.